Continuing life after something devastating has happened to you can seem very unattainable at first. You start asking yourself things like, “What now?” “How do I move on?” “Will things ever go back to normal?” And the answer for many is mixed- as everyone and every situation is different.
What I want to share with you is how I grieved and found some peace after my miscarriage. To date, it is still one of the toughest things I have personally gone through. I’m hoping by sharing my story, I can help others find some sense of peace.
A couple years ago, my husband and I were in the middle of a big move. He's in the Navy and we were moving back to the States from Japan. Being super busy packing up and still working, I hadn’t realized I was two weeks late. When it struck me, I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive! We were both pleasantly surprised.
Soon after arriving to our new town, we set up an appointment with a doctor to confirm the pregnancy. It was confirmed! Those two pink lines were not my imagination. We were going to be parents! I expressed to her a few of my concerns. Due to my medical background, I knew all pregnancies of mine were going to be high-risk. She told me that my medications were safe and since I was still young and healthy, everything should be fine.
A couple weeks later, around my 8-week mark, an ultrasound was done to confirm the dates. We were so excited to see the first images of our little bean. However, those butterflies quickly flew away. The doctor had noted that it seemed we might have our dates off by a couple weeks because I looked to be only 6 weeks along.
Dread set in when she used a doppler and found no heartbeat. She tried to give us some hope but prepared us for the worst. The doctor informed us that maybe the dates were indeed off and I conceived later than I thought, but there was a high probability we were facing a miscarriage.
We followed up two weeks later and it was confirmed that the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. My body just wasn’t letting go of it.
Two more weeks went by, and I still hadn’t passed it. So, I had to take some medicine to help move things along because I was looking at the possibility of worse things coming my way- hemorrhaging, infections, cancer. I know swallowing those pills were what I had to do, but it made me feel like I had failed as a potential mother… as a woman. I was already upset, but the depression truly sank in at that moment and worsened when the bleeding began.
I was hysterical for days after. I kept asking “Why me? I’m a good person. We have the means. Why can’t we have a baby? What did I do wrong?” I was mad and jealous of a lot of people. My mind went to dark places. Every time I saw a pregnant woman out in town or even on TV I just wanted to sob. It took every ounce of strength I could muster not to breakdown in public.
I knew I was young, but I really thought that was my only chance at having a baby and I lost it. That it was taken away from me as quickly as it had begun. I also thought all future pregnancies would be like this. I was terrified of that.
Miraculously, I was able to have a healthy baby later. The pregnancy wasn’t easy, but at least I now have a beautiful son.
The grieving and healing process wasn’t easy. I closed off from everyone, even those I loved dearly. I even started questioning my faith in God. But I learned that in moments like these, when you feel like there is no hope, that is when you need to cling tighter to those you love and that love you. No matter how much pain you are in. And if you are a religious person, that is when you need to pray the hardest.
You may feel like you are completely alone. Like no one will understand. And maybe some won’t. But there are many who can relate, or at least empathize, and are ready to lend you an ear.
To begin healing the wounds, I had to start letting people back in. I had to feel even more vulnerable than I was. Talking helped immensely. It was, and is still, a painful subject. But it’s something that has to be done. Not talking about it won’t dull the pain. It’ll only put it off until later.
If you don’t wish to talk to a friend or family member, there are counselors around that could listen and maybe offer some guidance. If you feel the need to speak with a doctor or psychiatrist, do so. There is no right or wrong answer. You need to do what’s best for you. But make sure you talk to someone you are comfortable with.
Another thing that helped was getting out of bed and going for a walk. I felt guilty for being alive when something innocent was just lost. But it taught me to cherish every moment. Even the little ones that are as simple as a walk down the street on a spring day when things are blooming.
After these steps, I started trying to get back into a normal daily routine- work, gym, time with family. I couldn’t live in darkness forever. I had to keep going.
It’s important to not let the grief consume you. It might always feel like a piece of you is missing. Like there’s a hole in your heart. That might never change, and it shouldn’t. It was a part of your life, no matter how brief.
If you have dealt with a miscarriage, infertility, or infant loss, just know you are not alone.
My heart is with you.
Stay strong and reach out when you need help.
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